How your beliefs shape your interactions with others

As a leadership coach, clients often share with me their frustration with board members or staff. They describe situations where people don’t follow through on commitments, or take responsibility for what needs to get done. Oftentimes, attempts to address the challenges have failed.

Having sat on boards and managed staff, I relate to their frustration. Working with people brings us face-to-face with our beliefs about them. Do we think they can change?

In my personal experience and working with clients, I see how our assumptions and beliefs contribute to the challenges we experience. Our thoughts about people and the situation can keep us frustrated and trapped in the same old loop, working in the same way and having the same results.

We embody our beliefs when we interact with people.

The actions we take, the requests we make, the tone we adopt, all are subtle – or not so subtle – indicators of our beliefs and expectations that the other person responds to. All affect the results we receive.

What about you?

Consider a current situation you are dealing with at work or in your personal life. This could be a challenging project that requires group buy-in, a difficult relationship, or a team member who isn’t meeting expectations. Take some time to journal and reflect on this series of questions.

• What is happening?
• Who is involved?
• What is frustrating you?
• What do you believe about the situation and the people involved?
• Do you believe that the situation can change?
• Do you believe that the people can change?
• How does believing someone can or can not change influence the way you behave toward them?
• What would you like to have happen?
• What story are you telling yourself about why what you want to have happen WILL NOT or CANNOT happen?

Stories We Tell Ourselves

As I think about the questions that I am asking you, I ask myself – why do I tell stories about people? And I notice that one of the reasons I tell myself a story about other people is to protect myself from disappointment.

I am protecting myself when I look at you and say, hmm, I know how you will be. I know what you will do. I know that you will not follow through because you NEVER follow through.

Do I tell you this though? Do I say, “I can’t trust you.”? Or do I just treat you as if I don’t trust you based on the belief that I have about you, the story that I have crafted about you.

Do I do what my clients often do – stay quiet to protect your feelings, or avoid bringing emotions into it, or to stay nice?

Rewriting the Story

Take the situation that you were reflecting on earlier and try rewriting the story.

But first, make sure you’ve made visible the current story you’re telling. Write the person’s name, and then detail what you’re currently saying. Write your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs, your actions. Make it juicy, don’t hold back.

And then challenge yourself to write a different story.

Unlock the power of your imagination to craft a new story and create a new relationship/reality. Ask yourself, what story could I tell that demonstrates that I BELIEVE in that person, that I believe they have good intentions?

Will writing a new story really change anything?

Well, here’s what I’ve noticed – when I write a new story, it changes me. And I see this process change my clients — they notice that they feel less frustrated, less angry. They have more spaciousness inside themselves and so they have better, more honest conversations with their board and staff. While it doesn’t always look the way they thought it would, they often find they receive more support.

So will you try this experiment? There’s no guarantee that other people will change, but YOU will change. You will notice an opening in yourself, feel less trapped and see new possibilities.