Learn how to listen to yourself and trust your judgment.

Praise is not all it’s cracked up to be. Let’s talk about the unexpected downsides.

We can get so attached to wanting to hear how good we are and what a good job we’re doing, that when the acknowledgment doesn’t come, we wonder what’s wrong. We feel unappreciated, which hinders our ability to listen to ourselves and trust our own instincts and judgment.

For the last year, I have been making art in a praise-free zone and this has helped me to grow my curiosity and confidence in my own methods, interests and way of doing things.

What do I mean by no praise? This means no recommendations such as you should do this, or you should do that. And no critical feedback either. Instead, the learning and improving happens through a process of noticing what interests me in others’ work. I observe my reactions, feelings and thoughts, what attracts me and what challenges me. And most importantly, I keep drawing, painting writing — doing the work.

This experience has me thinking about how feedback — whether criticism or praise gets in the way of developing our creative and personal power.

I was first exposed to these studio agreements in Lisa Sonora’s visual journaling classes. I realized recently that there is also great resonance with the work of Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big, so I re-listened to a recording I have by her in which she talks about unhooking from praise and criticism.

Mohr talks about how we can become hooked on praise – giving and receiving it – and how fearing the lack of praise can get in the way of us being our full selves. She then provides tools for listening to and responding to feedback.

First she offers a huge reframe: feedback (both positive and negative) actually tells you more about the person giving it than it does about yourself.

She has you do the following: Instead of focusing on what the person is saying about you – ask yourself what the feedback tells you about the person who is giving it. What are their perspectives, priorities, and concerns?

Then, ask yourself if the feedback is relevant to your goals and what you’re seeking to accomplish. If the feedback is relevant, ask yourself how to make use of it, and how best to engage with the person.

Mohr emphasizes that the question of, “Is this feedback true about me or not?” should not get our attention. Instead, we should focus on whether the feedback is relevant to what we are trying to accomplish.

After listening to Mohr’s recording, I did the exercise using a piece of tough feedback that I’d received about a communications plan earlier in my career. What I learned was eye-opening.

I realized that I interpreted the numerous comments form my boss about the plan as evidence that I’d done something wrong. I became hyper-focused on incorporating everything my boss said into the plan so that it would be right.

What didn’t I do? Listen to my own professional voice, experience, and goals and then check into my boss’s priorities — which frankly were about speedy execution during a crisis, not perfection.

So what does that have to do with no praise zones? I missed the mark because I didn’t stay in touch with myself. I let the feedback be about me — and not what I was trying to accomplish, so I diminished my power and effectiveness.

Now, back to those studio agreements from Lisa Sonora:

1) No comments on others’ work or what they share: Don’t evaluate, give advice, coach, demonstrate, or point out what you like or dislike about what they’ve created. Do share about your own experience: what you are learning and how you feel.
2) Kindness matters: In online interactions, prioritize playing nice, recognizing that emotions might not always translate well through text.

I love these studio agreements because they reinforce the message that process is more important than product.

At first the no-praise agreement was challenging. This goes against how we typically behave with one another – especially when we are trying to be encouraging and make each other feel good.

Creating non-judgemental zones, free of praise and criticism actually creates a container that allows people to take risks and explore what they want to explore – to follow their own curiosity without worry about what comments they will receive.

Praise-free zones are a tremendous gift and key to building a practice of staying connected to your voice, your vision, your goals. And that pays off no matter what setting you’re in.